poems · prayers · and · promises

it's strange when things that you thought would really upset you really don't effect you at all. it's so strange that i've developed this numbness in place of things that would of normally really bothered me. i can't say i mind it. heres to cutting out the bullshit in my 23rd year of life.

why do i constantly try to fix something that i know wont ever work, do i really fear being alone that much? i wonder sometimes if you still think fondly of me, if there's a place in your heart that aches just a little at the thought of me. please don't forget me.

well here i am, back in new england. i wasn't expecting to be back for months longer than this, i woke up to a phone call late last week, from my crying sister. she told me that our nana was very sick, and not dooing very well at all. part of me went into panic mode but part of me tried to be realistic nana's been sick a long time on and off. and she always got better, so obviously i thought this was just another one of those times. the next day i was told she was getting worse, trouble breathing. i decided i needed to go home and see her, just in case. my work was fine with it, i was planning on going home sunday night for a few days. i tried calling my parents mutiple times friday night and saturday morning. no answer. finally on my break from work i got in touch with my mom, i told her i needed to come home to see nana and asked how she was. my mom started crying and told me nana hadnt made it through the night. and well, here i am now. back in boston. i tried to go downstairs to nanas house today, it just felt like she was out. i know for a fact it hasnt hit me yet, and honestly i'm trying not to let it. i don't want it to be real, or feel real. being back for three days i have managed to see a good portion of all of my loved ones. but, being back has made me realize anything i missed has almost not changed at all. while me, i'm very different. this trip has also made me realize that i finally feel at home in las vegas. which is a huge thing in itself. it's really stunning how much you can learn about life and yourself in a few days. the wake is tomorrow and the funeral friday.. saturday back to home. this trip has been so light feeling so far, the heavy stuff comes tomorrow.

las vegas life tiny little update;
i have a few friends, and my hair is getting very much so longer. it feels like summer here, and i'm clearly okay with that.


i've lost touch with many. i hear it's snowy back home, it's 70s here every day. thank goodness
i'm starting to feel a little more at home here, we'll see what life has in store.

well, here i am in las vegas. it's beautiful here, warm, palm trees and moutains. really something else. i feel like i'm on vacation..it's silly really that it hasnt fully set in yet. i start work on sunday, which im looking forward to because i need to make somefriends and i refuse to use myspace to make them. m.a.c out here is a whole different ball game, it's not like my old region back home. which i guess is goood, just going to take some getting use to. i can't wait for my cats mermerz and shnickz to get here, and to get furnish my condo. it takes time i guess.